There’s no amount of words that can tell you what it feels like

“I lost my father when I was 4 years old, but my mother and brothers never let me feel any kind of loss — I was always pampered and treated like a princess. I’ve never known my father, but I found a father figure in my father in law at the age of 21 when I got married. It was an arranged marriage, but there was so much love between us, it was like we had known each other for many lifetimes. I never once felt like I had entered a home that wasn’t mine — since even before we were married my in-laws made me feel like I was their daughter. My husband…where do I even begin? He would randomly surprise me with flowers and gifts, without any reason. Sometimes I used to think that I loved him too much — I felt silly almost. Women usually love going to their mother’s house for a few nights here and there, but I remember every single time I would go to my mother’s house I couldn’t wait to go back home because I missed him — I was beginning to think I was crazy! But this one time when I was staying at my mother’s house, he called me and said ‘I’m picking you up, I’m waiting downstairs— we’re going out on a date! and there he was waiting for me with flowers!

During my pregnancy he has understood every craving of mine and even if I’ve wanted something ridiculous at 3 in the morning— he has made it happen — I felt like a baby myself…that’s how well he’s treated me. When our son was born we were ecstatic — both the families were thrilled! On his first birthday, my husband and I both had tears in our eyes because we couldn’t believe that we had created something so beautiful and because we couldn’t wait to watch him grow up.

Life changed when I lost my father in law to a heart attack. I never cried on losing my father because of how young I was, but losing my father in law was devastating. Within 6 months we lost my mother in law as well…and that period was a dark one in all our lives. My husband’s health deteriorated, but it was somewhere around that time that I realised I was pregnant again…and after a long time we had something to look forward to. During my entire pregnancy, my husband remained unwell — he went for checkups and tests almost as often as me, but kept saying everything was okay. The day I delivered our daughter, he held her in the hospital for a few minutes and immediately left. After that he never came to see me while I was in the hospital, and whenever I asked for him I got vague replies — it was only once I was discharged and at home that they told me he had been hospitalised because of liver failure. I didn’t know how to react…I was desperate to see him but I wasn’t allowed to. They kept telling me he would be okay, and the last time I spoke to him was on the phone. He murmured something and I wasn’t able to understand his words, except the words ‘I love you’ I had no clue that he was in the ICU at that point and within a few hours he passed away.

There’s no amount of words that can tell you what it feels like to lose the one person in the world who is your other half— your best half. There’s no moving on from something like that…with time you stop crying but no matter what you do you’re always the half of a whole and that’s how I feel without him every single day. My entire family is full of love and support — my children are amazing but everyday I’m trying to play his role as well as I can. Every time I have to take a decision, I think of what he would have said to our children. So that’s the irony of my life I guess— 12 years with him has given me enough love for a lifetime, but given a choice even one lifetime with him wouldn’t be enough.”

Leave a Reply